I can be a snarky Asshole, or I can be sort of mentally impaired. It's very hard for me to just be normal human being.

It's such a deliberate thing to sit down and write a tweet. You're putting yourself out there in a very deliberate way, and over however many tweets, you start to create a character for yourself.

I take my coffee like I take my women... strong... black... and proud.

With stand-up, you can be as freeform as you want to be. You can say what you want, how you want, at any moment without constraint.

There is no word for feeling nostalgic about the future, but that's what a parent's tears often are, a nostalgia for something that has not yet occurred. They are the pain of hope, the helplessness of hope, and finally, the surrender to hope.

Internet fame is like regular fame only without all the annoying 'money' and 'power.'

I'm enough of an optimist and a patriot to believe that in U.S. you have a lot of opportunity and can do pretty much anything you want in some form. For me, the idea of failure is far preferable to the idea of regret.