I feel no obligation to teach my readers anything, to impart any sort of wisdom, to teach any sort of lesson, to instill any sort of morality. All I'm trying to do is make them and their parents laugh.

I was very surprised how many people were earnestly reminiscing about the '80s. It's such a stupid thing to do, like, to be honestly invested in nostalgia. It never even occurred to me to do that.

Things you never thought were going to turn into something end up being the most important things in your life. You have to learn to not try to control it.

With stand-up, you can be as freeform as you want to be. You can say what you want, how you want, at any moment without constraint.

I can be a snarky Asshole, or I can be sort of mentally impaired. It's very hard for me to just be normal human being.

The global business climate is likewhatever, dude.

I never really understood what was expected of me as a man, or how I was supposed to interact with women, but worse, with other guys. I did not relate to them.