I almost can't even put to words how happy I am that I got married.

I'm a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that contain enough calories for a year. That seems like an effective use of time.

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

I have this habit of asking 'why do you want to do it?' and then interrupting them to say, 'here's why you want to do it.' Because it's in the 'yes...and' spirit [rule of improvisation].

I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral. Which I thought was cocky.

You've got to remember that improvisers are writers and actors and directors all simultaneously. That's what's happening in real time because you're writing on your feet, and you are acting out the words and you are directing what the staging is. You're deciding what staging is.

I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we didn't make 30% more, you guys would marry each other.