I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it's never anything good like, "We found something in your bladder AND IT'S SEASON TICKETS TO THE YANKEES!!"

I'm a whitebread cracker. That's my favorite white person slur: "whitebread". The other day, someone came up to me and said, "What's up, whitebread?" And I was like, "That's not even an insult. That's just my race plus a food. I can do that, too, black bean soup! Stay out of this, Asian chicken platter!"

Comedy unites, it doesn't divide!

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

You need to know what doesn't work to know what works. It's especially true in improv and stand-up.

I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees.

The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.