Most guys my age have girlfriends and drinking buddies on their speed dial. Me, I have the Memphis CDC.

Repetition is sometimes the best way to deal with the Luideag: just keep saying the same thing over and over until she gets fed up and gives you what you want. All preschoolers have an instinctive grasp of this concept, but most don’t practice it on immortal water demons. That’s probably why there are so few disembowelments in your average preschool.

There is a list of things Im not allowed to discuss at the dinner table! I am extraordinarily passionate about the Black Death, which is not something most people are into.

There will always be people for whom hate is easier when it’s not backed up by anything but fear.

Protecting the human race should really come with a per diem, I swear.

One man's trash is another man's treasure is a third man's raw materials for their planet-buster earthquake machine.

I would love a sandwich,' said Tybalt, with enough gravity to make it sound like a formal proclamation. Resolved: that we will have ham and cheese sandwiches.