Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

Earlier I`ve done hatever I could get my hands on to do for a living. I tried a couple of different things, but kitchen work was the best for me, because I took to a nomadic lifestyle before I started doing comedy. If you travel and get to a town and need a job, restaurants are always there.

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

Then let's print up some flyers!

Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.

People who smoke cigarettes, they say "You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking." Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing.