Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.

I guess the one-liner kind of comic sounds like a guy who can talk and talk and whatever the subject is, he can pull out a one-liner, but I couldn't do that. I didn't like the association. I mean, I love Steven Wright, but so many people started saying "Steven Wright" to me, and I would get mad, because I never wanted to be thought of as copying anybody.

I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.