Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.

One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture is of you when you were younger. 'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.' 'You son of bit, how'd you pull that off Let me see that camera. What's it look like'

If you're watching a parade, don't follow it. It never changes. If the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast-forward the parade.

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add "er".