I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar, and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up? That's a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. "Yeah, what candy bar are you getting?" "That one, and every one on the bottom row!"

Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a Z. If someone says, "That's wrong!", you say, "No, it ain't." If you think that's wrong, then you need to have your head Z-rayed.

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul's.

People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.