A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm off-white. It's a new race; we will prevail!

If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I don't think stand-up is being appreciated as much as it could be and I don't think it has for a long time. There's some great stand-up comics who come to a town and if they're not a name, they don't attract a crowd but in reality there are brilliant people out there.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.