Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, "Hey, do you mind if I join you?" Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.

I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying "We don't have to fix anything."

Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. "Cheeseburgers?" "Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets."