Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i'll say something and he'll be like what, and i'll say it again and he'll be like what, and i'll say it again and he'll still be like what, so now he's got me yellin. Man that tree is far away

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It's cool, he's with me.