Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.

Well, that's a 'fresher'. I'm going on break.

When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. "Oh, no! This place is haunted!" I can't be funny when I'm frightened.

You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number, but often they'll use too many letters? "Call 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Brand-New-Carpeting." Too many letters, man, must I dial them all? "Hello? Hold on, man, I'm only on 'Enjoy.' How did you know I was calling? You're good, I can see why they hired you!"

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?