I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!

I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.

I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."

I guess the one-liner kind of comic sounds like a guy who can talk and talk and whatever the subject is, he can pull out a one-liner, but I couldn't do that. I didn't like the association. I mean, I love Steven Wright, but so many people started saying "Steven Wright" to me, and I would get mad, because I never wanted to be thought of as copying anybody.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.