I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.

Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a Z. If someone says, "That's wrong!", you say, "No, it ain't." If you think that's wrong, then you need to have your head Z-rayed.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!

Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.

There's a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a distinctive laugh is I know exactly when that guy isn't laughing. "Oh, distinctive laugh doesn't think that joke was funny!"