I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers.

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add "er".

I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close.

I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.