Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.

Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. Then it says on the bottle, do not have more than two. Then why do they have a candy coating? I cannot help myself. Let me have ten Advil, I have a sweet tooth.

When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying.