A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, 'Do you have coke in a glass harmonica ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews'

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

People who smoke cigarettes, they say "You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking." Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.