I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.

Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a Z. If someone says, "That's wrong!", you say, "No, it ain't." If you think that's wrong, then you need to have your head Z-rayed.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?

I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.

Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.