I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"

People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.

I know people who believe in ghosts but don't believe in themselves.

I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.

I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.

I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in threes. He has three apples left, I guess I can't have one. I wouldn't want to screw up his practice routine.

I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. "Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned?" "Yeah, I did, and you know what - that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!"