I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves. It’s kind of sad. Okay you don’t think you’ll ever make it as a musician, but last night you saw a translucent caveman.

If you're watching a parade, don't follow it. It never changes. If the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast-forward the parade.

I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.

This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.