I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'!

Earlier I`ve done hatever I could get my hands on to do for a living. I tried a couple of different things, but kitchen work was the best for me, because I took to a nomadic lifestyle before I started doing comedy. If you travel and get to a town and need a job, restaurants are always there.

I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!

I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar, and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up? That's a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. "Yeah, what candy bar are you getting?" "That one, and every one on the bottom row!"