You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.

I don't think stand-up is being appreciated as much as it could be and I don't think it has for a long time. There's some great stand-up comics who come to a town and if they're not a name, they don't attract a crowd but in reality there are brilliant people out there.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.