You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.

I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.

When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add "er".