It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I have a "Do Not Disturb" sign on my hotel door. It's time to go to "Don't Disturb". It's been "Do Not" for too long. We should embrace the contraction.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"

I know people who believe in ghosts but don't believe in themselves.

I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.