It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they're crackers, that's why I got them. I like crackers! I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates!

Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand in front of a bunch of people that I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated and not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand? I want a chair too!

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.