I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need to dial 9 I say Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick.

I went to a pizzeria. The guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart with what would you do if you found a million dollars, he gave me the "Donate it to charity" slice. "I'd like to exchange this for the 'Keep it!'"

I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you know where I can store a pea' 'Yes, I have some locations available.'

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?