If you're watching a parade, don't follow it. It never changes. If the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast-forward the parade.

People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.

We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz term for "add sugar to".

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.