If you're watching a parade, don't follow it. It never changes. If the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast-forward the parade.

When it comes to racism, you hear people say, "I don't care if people are white, black, purple or green." Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.

I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.

My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.

I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. "Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned?" "Yeah, I did, and you know what - that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!"

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.