I have found when I look at an audience that the expressions on the peoples' faces aren't always up to par with the sounds that they're making. A crowd can sound like they're having a good time when your eyes are closed but if you open your eyes, the looks on some of those faces don't equal the sound.

I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart.

What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.

Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!"

You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, "we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy."

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.