People who smoke cigarettes, they say "You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking." Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing.

I'm not into sports. I mean...I like Gatorade, but that's as far as it goes.

Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?

I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.

I have an oscillating fan at my house. It goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "no." So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say "no" to! Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have 3 settings? LIAR! My fan lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you're not saying ANYTHING!