Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your credit card on the receipt, but only the last four numbers. Aha! I'm really good at guessing twelve numbers. I can't guess 16 numbers, so thanks for the assistance!

Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.

If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"