Come on 'long prosperous life!'

I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'!

Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.