My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you're gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I've got packs of pop with me. "Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!"

The customer’s always right.

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store," and people would say "Hell yes I have!"

People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.