My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying "We don't have to fix anything."

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

Well, that's a 'fresher'. I'm going on break.

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a Z. If someone says, "That's wrong!", you say, "No, it ain't." If you think that's wrong, then you need to have your head Z-rayed.