My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.

I have a "Do Not Disturb" sign on my hotel door. It's time to go to "Don't Disturb". It's been "Do Not" for too long. We should embrace the contraction.

The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!