I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, 'man, just be yourself.'

I don't think stand-up is being appreciated as much as it could be and I don't think it has for a long time. There's some great stand-up comics who come to a town and if they're not a name, they don't attract a crowd but in reality there are brilliant people out there.

When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. "Oh, no! This place is haunted!" I can't be funny when I'm frightened.

I'm not into sports. I mean...I like Gatorade, but that's as far as it goes.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa Where's my wallet But, hey this song is funky.

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"