My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.

My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.

I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, "Doesn't wine give you a headache?" "Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!"

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.