I guess the one-liner kind of comic sounds like a guy who can talk and talk and whatever the subject is, he can pull out a one-liner, but I couldn't do that. I didn't like the association. I mean, I love Steven Wright, but so many people started saying "Steven Wright" to me, and I would get mad, because I never wanted to be thought of as copying anybody.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

There's a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a distinctive laugh is I know exactly when that guy isn't laughing. "Oh, distinctive laugh doesn't think that joke was funny!"

It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa Where's my wallet But, hey this song is funky.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.