My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!

Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."