My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.

I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it’s exact purpose!

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" I answered, "It's a Boys."