I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, "you'll have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity! You don't know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall.
Mitch HedbergYou know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
Mitch HedbergMy manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.
Mitch Hedberg