I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized!

I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

People who smoke cigarettes, they say "You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking." Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing.

My sister Wendy has a husband and two children, and they have a family photo on top of the VCR, where they're all looking slightly to the left. As though something is going on over there! I guess something happened over to the left that made everybody happy! Except my sister is cross-eyed, so she can't quite pull it off. One eye is right-on.

My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.