I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!

People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That guy eats cake!" "He is on bundt cake!" Mothers saying to their daughters, "Don't bring the cake eater over here anymore. He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"

As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So if I'm at the top of a slide, I have to pretend that I got there accidentally. "How the hell did I get up here? I guess I have to slide down. Whee!" That's what you say when you're having fun. You refer to yourself and some other people.

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.