I still don't know how to cook and that's just unacceptable.

Politicians who wear little tennis socks with the balls at the back should not be taken seriously.

If there's one thing that everyone can agree on, it's that, right or wrong, they hate the press.

I have a Keurig coffee maker, which is really kind of a luxury. It was given to me by an ex. I realized when I'm feeling sentimental, I'll gently, tenderly press the button. Then when I remember he dumped me, I punch it.

I'm in fact a hair under six feet, but I'm very svelte. People would never see me if I turned sideways.

I mean, you're gonna be left behind if you don't appreciate the genius that is Meredith Vieira.

When it comes to war, we focus more on the mainstream coverage of the event, rather than the event itself. People dying is never funny. Protest puppets are always funny.