Wanting something to make you happy is a sure way to be miserable.
When you can bear your own silence, you are free.
Stay faithful to your own discovery, leave the rest and life will take care of it.
In the spiritual journey, you cannot be a wine taster, you have to become a drunk.
Attempting to identify with the source is an idea. You are already that.
You are learning too much, remembering too much, trying to hard relax a little bit, give life a chance to flow its own way, unassisted by your mind and effort. Stop directing the river's flow!