One day, maybe not in the next few weeks, but certainly in the conceivable future, someone will be able to refer to me without using the word 'arse' somewhere in the sentence.

The natural state of the football fan is bitter disappointment, no matter what the score.

I don't want anyone writing in to point out that I spend too much money on books, many of which I will never read. I know that already. I certainly intend to read all of them, more or less. My intentions are good. Anyway, it's my money. And I'll bet you do it too.

It's no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn't even speak to each other if they met at a party.

Everyone knows how to talk, and no one knows what to say.

The trouble with history is that there are too many people involved

What harm has he ever done to you?' 'You know what harm he's done me. He offended me with his terrible taste.