I have a wife and anything. That's the arrangement we have. I have a wife, and she's cool. And also I have anything I want.

I don't want to follow comedians because I don't want to see what they're thinking about, 'cause then maybe I won't stumble across a thought maybe I had about the same subject.

Wouldn't the world be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes?

There's a fear that I don't think people are interested in my actual opinion. I just think people are interested in me being funny.

People can write jokes five minutes after a major world event happens, and have hundreds of thousands of people read them within 10 minutes. Whereas before you write a joke, you don't know if anybody is really touching on it or not, and you tell it onstage the next night. For joke writing it has changed things.

In my senior year of high school, I was working at a dealership washing cars. For some reason, I asked them to give me a shot as a salesman for a shift. What happened was I sold two cars in one day and they offered me the position. After a while I decided I didn't want the job and so I told the manager I'd contracted HIV from having unprotected sex. It was only half true but I'd been feeling sick and somehow convinced myself I was really dying. I remember I sat in my boss' office, the both of us crying. Later than night he calls my dad and says 'I'm sorry your son has HIV.' It was terrible.

The other day I walked in on my roommate while I was masturbating.