Wit is like caviar - it should be served in small portions and not spread about like marmalade.

I want a horse and plough, Chickens too, Just one cow, With a wistful moo.

To know you are among people whom you love, and who love you – that has made all the successes wonderful, much more wonderful than they'd have been anyway.

An infant prodigy of nine is shoved upon the stage in white. She starts off in a dismal whine about a dark and stormy night, a burglar, whose heart is true, despite his wicked-looking face, who puts the little child in doom, to save her mamma's jewel case. This may bring tears to every eye; it does not set my heart on fire. I'd like to stand serenely by and watch that horrid child expire.

I love criticism just so long as it's unqualified praise.

Certain women should be struck regularly, like gongs.

Trust your instincts. If you have no instincts, trust your impulses.