I want you to like me, but I don't care if you don't.

I try to have sex as much as I can.

You see people who get so many big opportunities, and they take them, and they're not ready.

Jon Stewart hires people that he thinks are funny. That's it. That's the only requirement.

How many of you have had a crush on a teacher? I mean, remember that Physics professor? Law One is so steamy, I'm getting worked up just thinking about it: Every object in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external force is applied to it. Mee-yow.

Everyone's so timid and afraid to insult anybody, but in the end, it's like we're all trying to please everyone. In the end, we please no one.

If you stand up for women, then don't bash me.