I can honestly say, all the bad things that ever happened to me were directly, directly attributed to drugs and alcohol. I mean, I would never urinate at the Alamo at nine o'clock in the morning dressed in a woman's evening dress sober.

I didn’t have a clue what love was about until I met Sharon.

I grew up having to piss in a bucket ’cos there was no indoor shitter, and now I have these computerised Japanese super-loo things that have heated seats and wash and blow-dry your arse at the touch of a button. Give it a couple of years and I’ll have a bog with a robot arm that pulls out my turds, so I don’t have to strain.

Maybe it's not too late to learn how to love and forget how to hate.

I'll buy myself some plastic water, I should have married Lennon's daughter.

There are no identical twins, or forgivable sins.

If I could have just one more wish, I'd wipe the cobwebs from my eyes.