Tell me I'm a sinner I got news for you I spoke to God this morning and he don't like you! Don't you try and teach me no original sin; I don't need your pity for the shape I'm in

My stay in Camp Betty was the longest I'd been without drink or drugs in my adult life. [...] At first, they put me in a room with a guy who owned a bowling alley, but he snored like an asthmatic horse, so I moved and ended up with a depressive mortician. [...] The mortician snored even louder than the bowling alley guy - he was like a moose with a tracheotomy.

Every shopaholic needs an accomplice.

I have a genuine love affair with my audience. When I'm on stage they're not privileged to see me. It's a privilege for me to see them.

Voices in the darkness scream away my mental health, can I ask a question to help me save me from myself?

They said I would never write this book. Well, f**k ’em – ’cos here it is. All I have to do now is remember something... Bollocks. I can’t remember anything.

I'm not a musician - I'm a ham.