Chumps always make the best husbands. All the unhappy marriages come from the husbands having brains.

I believe the only way a writer can keep himself up to the mark is by examining each story quite coldly before he starts writing it and asking himself if it is all right as a story. I mean, once you go saying to yourself, 'This is a pretty weak plot as it stands, but I'm such a hell of a writer that my magic touch will make it okay,' you're sunk. If they aren't in interesting situations, characters can't be major characters, not even if you have the rest of the troop talk their heads off about them.

As for Gussie Finknottle, many an experienced undertaker would have been deceived by his appearance and started embalming on sight.

the ice was not only broken; it was shivered into a million fragments

When Cynthia smiles, said young Bingo, the skies are blue; the world takes on a roseate hue; birds in the garden trill and sing, and Joy is king of everything, when Cynthia smiles. He coughed, changing gears. When Cynthia frowns - What the devil are you talking about?I'm reading you my poem. The one I wrote to Cynthia last night. I'll go on, shall I?No!No?No. I haven't had my tea.

The trouble with cats is that they've got no tact.

Marriage is not a process for prolonging the life of love, sir. It merely mummifies its corpse.