It would take more than long-stemmed roses to change my view that you're a despicable cowardy custard and a disgrace to a proud family. Your ancestors fought in the Crusades and were often mentioned in despatches, and you cringe like a salted snail at the thought of appearing as Santa Claus before an audience of charming children who wouldn't hurt a fly. It's enough to make an aunt turn her face to the wall and give up the struggle.

I go in for what is known in the trade as 'light writing' and those who do that - humorists they are sometimes called - are looked down upon by the intelligentsia and sneered at.

Has anybody ever seen a dramatic critic in the daytime? Of course not. They come out after dark, up to no good.

When it comes to letting the world in on the secrets of his heart, he has about as much shrinking reticence as a steam calliope.

Sudden success in golf is like the sudden acquisition of wealth. It is apt to unsettle and deteriorate the character.

She fitted into my biggest arm-chair as if it had been built round her by someone who knew they were wearing arm-chairs tight about the hips that season

Her pupils were at once her salvation and her despair. They gave her the means of supporting life, but they made life hardly worth supporting.