Chumps always make the best husbands. When you marry, Sally, grab a chump. Tap his head first, and if it rings solid, don't hesitate. All the unhappy marriages come from husbands having brains. What good are brains to a man? They only unsettle him.

It would take more than long-stemmed roses to change my view that you're a despicable cowardy custard and a disgrace to a proud family. Your ancestors fought in the Crusades and were often mentioned in despatches, and you cringe like a salted snail at the thought of appearing as Santa Claus before an audience of charming children who wouldn't hurt a fly. It's enough to make an aunt turn her face to the wall and give up the struggle.

The least thing upset him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of the butterflies in the adjoining meadows.

One prefers, of course, on all occasions to be stainless and above reproach, but, failing that, the next best thing is unquestionably to have got rid of the body.

The test of a great golfer is his ability to recover from a bad start.

It is true of course, that I have a will of iron, but it can be switched off if the circumstances seem to demand it.

There is no surer foundation for a beautiful friendship than a mutual taste in literature.