First and foremost: Feed people.

The U.S. tax code was written by A students. Every April 15 we have to pay somebody who got an A in accounting to keep ourselves from being sent to jail.

Never do anything to a clitoris with your teeth that you wouldn't do to an expensive waterproof wristwatch.

Finland is a rich country. What have they got? They got Nokia phones and plywood. How'd they get so rich? Because they're free.

The average IQ in America is—and this can be proven mathematically—average.

My Grandmother wouldn't even speak the word Democrat if there were children in the room, she'd say Bastards instead.

If you're doing a column, you kind of have to. Like in the back of Sports Illustrated, Rick Reilly has to find something to be mad about. It's not really the way I approach things.