A firm, hearty handshake gives a good first impression, and you'll never be forgiven if you don't live up to it.

If the Japanese want to be taken seriously as world financial powers, they'd better quit using the same tailor as variety show chimps.

No one has ever had a fantasy about being tied to a bed and sexually ravished by someone dressed as a liberal

I am no stranger to loud music. I've been to a Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels concert. I once dated a woman with two kids.

Ann Coulter to me is someone who says things that I say all the time, but I say them at three in the morning when I'm drunk as a monkey. She says them at three in the afternoon stone sober in bright daylight.

Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is.

There was an austerely dignified award ceremony. By that I mean we had to buy our own drinks - in clear violation of the international journalists'code of truth, fairness and an open bar.