Women are successful in the business world because the business world was created by men. Men are babies. And women areGood With Kids.

When are the world's political parties going to get appropriate symbols: snake, louse, jackal, ... trash can, clown face, ... dollar bill with bat wings on it?

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

I had really not been out of the United States much, except for Mexico. I thought, "Jesus Christ, this [Russia] is like a whole new world." Instead of writing Michael Jackson one-glove jokes, all I had to do was go to these weird places and keep my eyes and ears open.

I bought my first house because of Animal House.

You can't get good Chinese takeout in China and Cuban cigars are rationed in Cuba. That's all you need to know about communism.

I don't think I'll ever be a real boat reporter. My Rolex isn't big enough.