Coffee and cigarettes are much better if you want an instant breakfast.

Cockfighting has always been my idea of a great sport -- two armed entrées battling to see who'll be dinner.

A lot of things work better in a locomotive.

Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.

It is important to remember when making jokes about women, that they are not a minority. They weren't captured on another continent and brought here in leg-irons (funny shoes, yes, but not leg-irons) and Hitler didn't blame them for Germany's loss in WWI. Therefore, you can make any kind of fun of them you want.

I think in the [Bill] Clinton era, if people hadn't been spending vast amounts of time attacking Clinton, they would have found that they had essentially the same problems as they do now.

Who, other than a crazy person, does anything besides hang up on a robo-call? Any call, any person, anywhere, under any circumstances.