Never serve oysters in a month that has no paycheck in it.

At the core of liberalism is the spoiled child — miserable, as all spoiled children are, unsatisfied, demanding, ill-disciplined, despotic and useless. Liberalism is a philosophy of sniveling brats.

In the wake of Animal House, the stock briefly and quite wrongly shot up. So I love that movie.

Harvard has been almost as important to the American Jewish community as the pork-sausage industry.

In general, life is better than it has ever been, and if you think that, in the past, there was some golden age of pleasure and plenty to which you would, if you were able, transport yourself, let me say one single word : Dentistry.

If I bring anything to the table, it's the fact that not everybody realizes they're funny. So I just point a finger.

Politics should be limited in scope to ware, protection of property, and the occasional precautionary beheading of a member of the ruling class.