The number of American presidential candidates varies with the sunspot cycle and the phases of the moon. Being a Republican, I'm backing Hillary Clinton. Because she could lose. The reason is not that she's a woman. The reason is that she's the particular woman who taught the 4th grade class that every man in America wished he were dead in. Hillary Clinton is Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown. Hillary Clinton is "America's ex-wife."

Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.

A good bachelor drinks his dessert (and sometimes the rest of his meals). A sweet tooth is a danger signal that you're getting too much exercise and not enough cocktails.

Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.

Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.

I write because I like to make things and the only things I am good at making things with are words.

You can't shame or humiliate modern celebrities. What used to be called shame and humiliation is now called publicity.