Moscow has changed. I was here in 1982, during the Brezhnev twilight, and things are better now. For instance, they've got litter. In 1982 there was nothing to litter with.

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.

Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.

[ I'm] humorist, I guess. Or really more of a reporter. A reporter who reports on funny things.

People shouldn't be treated like objects. They aren't that valuable.

America is not a wily, sneaky nation. We don't think that way. We don't think much at all, thank God. Start thinking and pretty soon you get ideas, and then you get idealism, and the next thing you know you've got ideology, with millions dead in concentration camps and gulags.

One thing talk can't accomplish is communication. This is because everybody's talking too much to pay attention to what anyone is saying